No final das contas, tudo vai ficar bem

Estou falido, mas estou feliz; sou pobre, mas sou gentil.

Sou frágil, mas sou saudável, sim!

Estou dopado, mas tenho os pés no chão.

Sou louco, mas estou fascinado. Estou perdido, mas tenho esperança, meu caro.

E no final das contas tudo vai ficar muito, muito bem.

Porque eu tenho uma mão no bolso e a com a outra dou um high five.

 

Eu me sinto bêbado, mas estou alerta. Sou jovem e sou mal pago.

Estou cansado, mas estou trabalhando, merda.

Eu me importo, mas estou inquieto. Estou aqui mas já parti a tempos, baby.

 

E no frigir dos ovos tudo vai ficar muito bem. E eu tenho uma mão no meu bolso e com a outra estou acendendo um cigarro.

No final das contas eu não entendi foi nada dessa vida. E estou com uma mão no meu bolso e com a outra fazendo o sinal da paz.

 

Sou livre, mas sou focado. Sou inocente, mas muito sábio. Sou duro, mas amigável, meu bem.

Estou triste, mas sorrio. Sou valente mas também um merda. Estou doente, mas eu sou lindo, baby.

 

E resumindo tudo isso, a verdade é que ninguém ainda entendeu nada de nada. E eu tenho uma mão no meu bolso e com a outra eu toco piano.

No final das contas, meus amigos, tudo vai ficar muito, muito bem. E continuo com uma mão no bolso e com a outra estou chamando meu táxi.

 

Palavras de Alanis Morissette, livre tradução de Hand in my pocket para o português.

Anúncios

Man up!

Once upon a time a mother used to tell her kids every night before putting them to bed that one day, when they least expect, a fairy would come and turn them into men.  When that day come, they wouldn’t need her anymore because they would be turned into brave, courageous and powerful gown-up men. They were four browned-hair boys, the oldest was 9 and the younger just turned one. They used to sleep in the same bedroom and it was their choice, as the house had rooms enough for four more boys sleep by themselves. The beds were put side by side and visitors often took their room as an orphanage room as there weren’t space for nothing else but the beds.

Time passed and one by one the beds where removed from the master room to the other ones spread through the house. Strangely the younger boy was the first to leave, them the eldest and only few years latter the other two finally got their own rooms. Sleeping by themselves were mandatory as their parents wanted them to become more independent from each other and also they wanted their sons to start learning about privacy and taking care of their own space.

Years passed and the fairy never came to me. Maybe it was only a metaphor, the fairy probably meant a girl I would copulate with and them I’d become a men. Never happened. And if depends on me it will never happen, if I was the last man on earth and it was my duty to breed a woman to preserve the species, sorry mankind, the groundhogs would conquer the planet. As for my brothers, well, if my interpretation of the fairy tale is correct, the fairy is not that efficient as mom promised, ‘coz being a man is supposed to mean much more than what I see they acting like. We’re still young and maybe the fairy touch will still work on us.

In the Peanuts comic strip, and even the cartoon, a recurring motif was that Lucy invites Charlie Brown to come and kick the ball with her, but she always pulls it away at the last moment. I never understood why he keeps going back and once my mother answered me: men are fools and women will always play tricks to try to take men out of the right path. The boys who can’t deal with girls’ issues are fools or faggets. The best answer a mom could give to her almost-ten-years-old boy, right? God, I think I became a nice guy despite my mom and dad. My mother taught me girls were mean and to be a successful man should learn how to avoid their despicable behavior.

Last week my parents were really disappointed with me because I didn’t helped them choosing an air conditioner for their bedroom. I was really tired and pissed off with some projects at work and had no time by then to think about this not so urgent issue. Mom said my father didn’t sleep one night overthinking how ungrateful I was. God, they think I’m still a kid, they tell me to do something and I’m supposed to throw everything up and focus on their demand. First of all I hate parents who works like that, even kids have their needs and priorities, I’m a 31-year-old-almost grown up man, they shouldn’t expect me to be available whenever they call me. I used to feel bad about myself every time something like this happened, when I realized it’s just my parents being spoiled. Now I know how to deal with spoiled parents, and I’m not sorry anymore.

In high school one of the girls I used to hang out with kept telling, “real men don’t hurt a girls feeling. Real men work hard and do everything possible to make their family happy, don’t matter how”.  The fairy hadn’t come yet and I was in despair, I couldn’t turn myself into what girls wanted me to at a drop of a hat. The way I was moving slowly and timidly I would never be a man and I was already 17yo. At high school I was considered a loser, I had no gang to hang around, I used to have lunch away from most people, until the senior year when I met my best friends who saved me from myself.  When I found people like me I felt relieved. I didn’t have to spend more energy trying to be someone else because there were people as weird as me and they seemed to be happy their own way. And I’m not talking about gay community.

Medical school, I was already strong enough to not let bullies affect me. My self-esteem was not shiny, just a pale yellow, but I went through medical school without a lot of damage. I knew that if I wasn’t a man still, soon I’d become one. During this time I met the love of my life, spent years and years by his side and them I finally learned the most important lesson one can ever learn in life: the greatest thing we’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I think this is to be a man; to love and be loved in return. Ok, this I took from Moulin Rouge, but I mean every word. It’s powerful, simple, but evolves so many levels of commitment and surrender… God, I want to fall in love, desperately and deeply.

I made a lot of mistakes and I assume I wasn’t man enough when I was dating. Took me time to realize how dumb I was, but now there’s not point in placing the blame. What’s done is done and as Homer Simpson thought me last night it’s not worthy to cry over the split milk. But, it doesn’t mean I didn’t take a great lesson from everything I lived. If I could turn back time I can’t even say how happy I would be. Why don’t use it forward, in future, the days to come? Of course I will, but I am not the same, I lost the opportunities, I let important people pass by me. Now I just hope new opportunities will come and pray that those who once I loved have a great life despite of the damage I may have caused them. Amen.

At this particular time of my life love had challenged me to keep calm and breath. A lot happened this weekend and I’m still dizzy, unsure of what path to take, preserving myself or jumping into a journey where I’ll have no guaranties. First I thought a small time apart
would clear up the doubts that are abounding, but then I came with this disturbing idea that time apart wouldn’t help much if before it we couldn’t settle what are our intentions and what are our motivations to make things work. A new born relationship doesn’t always come to life as we plan, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worthy putting some energy to warm it and keep it breathing.

At this particular time love encouraged me to wait, at this particular moment it helped me to be patient. This particular month I need time to marinate in what “us” mean; in fact I need time to marinate if “us” does exist. I think it’s a man attitude, isn’t it? Maybe it’s a dumb man’s attitude, but as long as I don’t loste myself in this meantime, I thing it’s worthy. If he needs more time spent alone, with no distraction, feel he needs to fly
 solo and high to define what he wants, I’ll be okay. After all, I know it’s huge the chance of me not being the answer for his prayers. I’ll have to deal with that and my show will go on.

If you’re still reading this you don’t need to call my shrink, I already did that and I have an appointment next week, maybe he’ll prescribe me more drugs, maybe he’ll try to convince me I’m deadly wrong, but I don’t think the problem is the situation I’m living now, but how I’ll deal with it. This only time will tell us. I have no master plan, let the fortune work on me. Sigmund Freud, analyze this!

Unsent letters – Another one bites the dust

Unsent

Dear W, the first time I felt in love in adulthood it was with you.

Few weeks ago I heard you’re dating an old friend of mine.

I felt happy for you both. Hope he manages your tumultuous agenda.

When we were together my priority was neuroanatomy.

Yours were a promotion that never came.

I was just a kid then. Maybe I’m still one. But you’re not getting any younger.

The age/money gap sealed our destiny.

 

Dear E, I never really loved you.

I hated the way you showed me to your friends as a trophy.

Think I just loved the feeling of having someone to call my own. 

I’ll never understand how I managed to spend so much time with you.

I learned from you that money won’t make me a better person.

‘Coz you were so rich and yet so shallow.

Thank you for introducing me to Twix and Moulin Rouge.

 

Dear D, you were my forbidden fruit.

The five thousand miles between us didn’t look like a problem back then.

I’d quit my world for you. I’d try to stop the earth for you. 

You were only emotionally available when I was far away.

I never felt so lonely as I did when we were finally on the same room.

No hard feelings. Now I know I am not just fine, I am great.

Hope all your dreams have come true by now.

I miss your cat, he licked me like no one else ever did.

 

Dear J, you rocked my world.

At the end we learned that somethings within us can never be unleashed.

But before that I felt safe and complete when you held me in your arms.

Loved the way you were always there for me.

We grew, we saw the world and then followed different ways.

We lost a son, we cried, we were uncomfortable.

Hope someday you will forgive me for being such a badass. I’ve already forgiven you. 

You will always live in a special place in my heart.

 

Dear E, we didn’t have much time.

You showed me that life goes on even if we don’t want it too.

You’re one of the kindest human beings I’ll ever known.

And also the most complicated one.

Unfortunately I was lost and you tried to rule my life for me.

You knew I was untamed.

I appreciate the tenderness and the support you once gave me.

Your artistic spirit inspired me but, truth be told, we were never lovers.

I am not sure if  I could have loved you in a different situation.

Dear A, when we where together the world seemed small

We were hot, but even the sun one day will get colder and then explode.

You really cared about my pleasure, but not my dreams

I couldn’t understand where you were going and I didn’t want to follow you

I do hope we meet in future, I want it so bad to see you sparkling.

You deserve no more than greatness.

If you could see me now you’d be proud.

Dear R, you pushed me to my limits!

And I salute you for you perseverance in face of my stubbornness.

Usually I don’t test my limits ‘coz I don’t want to remember I’m not almighty.

I am truly thankful for all the laughs we shared,

for all the irony only we, together, could spread in the world. 

You’re the one I’ll miss the much because I have loved you for what you were. 

We learned passion can undo the best of us and lead to tragedy…

Try always to care about others as you think you do. 

I’ve never painted myself into something better than I was

and you never seemed to fell my brightest colors. 

 

Inspired by the goddess’ Alanis Morissette Unsent song, from the unique Supposed Former Infatuation Junkie Album.