Rio de Janeiro, January 8th, 2013.
Spending almost six weeks away felt like the whole world should’ve changed, but I was home then and things still look exactly the same. The bad feelings and the heaviness I had left behind where standing in my front door, waiting for me to come back from my European delusion. As the song, I felt just like leaving it tomorrow or the day after to unpack and try to forget for few more nights that I was back to my universe, where I’m not able to deal with the gap between my real life and the life I’m craving to have.
Last November was so full of new sensations that I came back home thinking that maybe that was the time of my life when I was the happiest guy ever and after that everything else would be lame. Even though I’m sure it may not be true (I had this feeling many times before) I felt down for a while, nothing seemed to be good enough, no one sounded good enough, neither myself. I’m a hazard to myself, I know, I’ve written about it before. The most when I’m analyzing my past, things that I can’t change and that somehow keeps hunting me and things I believe I should have done make me feel incomplete. What’s done is done, I’m not getting any younger and I’ll keep on trying to overcome my daemons. And What I haven’t done yet I can only try to. SO, won’t waste any more time whining like a baby.
When it come to things I haven’t accomplished I’m not talking about fancy things or a live filled with glamour or parties every day. Please forgive me if I seem naïve but I do work hard to change myself into someone a little different, someone easy-going, less complicated and more flexible. I’m not done with myself and I’m facing the fact that I’ll have to keep on the work on myself and in the meantime deal with love affairs. It’s not time to take a break from my journey seeking for a partner for life, I am going to uninstall all the social applications from my smartphones and try to change the places where I used to search for nice people. I’m pretty sure the gay bars and clubs I started visiting last months are not frequented, most times, by people Id like to get involved with. I’ll even enjoy my friends and family, use my energy to another projects, maybe I should focus on learning French and let Charming approach without I even notice.
Somewhere along last years I forgot that being single doesn’t mean being alone. It feels like I was eighteen yesterday and then I had all the time I could ever need. But now I have almost twice that age, I don’t have the same energy, the same patience, the same time to waste on a search for a good match. I’m not throwing the towel. I’m not quitting men, now I’ll let the right one finds me; I’ll play the hard-to-get one… Something I had promised myself I’d never do. For the night is dark and full of terror, my dears.
I’ve still got sand in my shoes
And I can’t shake the thought of you
I should get on, forget you
But why would I want to?
I know we said goodbye
Anything else would’ve been confused but
I wanna see you again
Dido – Sand in my shoes
Today I’m in Rio, leaving back to my hometown at night after four fucking amazing days here. I met this most cute guy from Chile at the hostel and we spent a lot of time talking about life, the universe and everything else. He’s just left to Rio’s countryside and I’m going to miss him, and our conversations ‘coz they were light, no strings attached, just two guys experiencing different moments of their lives but with many things in common. He’s been through a hard breaking-out and I tried to give him some wise words. Who am I kidding? No wise words, we just exchanged points of views.
Parties, bars, beaches, bitches, sun, samba, good-looking people from all over the world. I am worried ‘coz every time I travel I feel like I don’t belong to my hometown, less and less attached to my roots. Tomorrow I’ll be back to work and routine: a lot of annoying patients, days hot as hell without an air-conditioner in my room. Drama. This is the first time in Rio I’m not feeling uncomfortable. People here use to look so beautiful, sculpted bodies, so self-confident, so full of themselves. It used to make me feel like shit few years ago, now I just don’t care, I know I’ll never be as cool as them but I learned how to deal with that. And local people seem to be more polite these days, I always complained about their behavior towards tourists, but after centuries cariocas are more welcoming.
My friend is hurrying me up, we’re going to the beach and he says I should interact more with real people than Facebook and Instagram. The sun is shinning, sky so blue and it’s not so warm. Feels like it’s going be a great day. I’m probably going to meet a fantastic guy I met yesterday at night, we had a great time together and he made me feel light. We live in different cities, we are very alike in our everyday lives but we share some believes. Last night I allowed myself just to delight the moment and it was great. He made me feel so good, he told me I should be more arrogant sometimes, that I’m too good to be hidden behind my insecurity. Lovely, some way, isn’t it?