Man up!

Once upon a time a mother used to tell her kids every night before putting them to bed that one day, when they least expect, a fairy would come and turn them into men.  When that day come, they wouldn’t need her anymore because they would be turned into brave, courageous and powerful gown-up men. They were four browned-hair boys, the oldest was 9 and the younger just turned one. They used to sleep in the same bedroom and it was their choice, as the house had rooms enough for four more boys sleep by themselves. The beds were put side by side and visitors often took their room as an orphanage room as there weren’t space for nothing else but the beds.

Time passed and one by one the beds where removed from the master room to the other ones spread through the house. Strangely the younger boy was the first to leave, them the eldest and only few years latter the other two finally got their own rooms. Sleeping by themselves were mandatory as their parents wanted them to become more independent from each other and also they wanted their sons to start learning about privacy and taking care of their own space.

Years passed and the fairy never came to me. Maybe it was only a metaphor, the fairy probably meant a girl I would copulate with and them I’d become a men. Never happened. And if depends on me it will never happen, if I was the last man on earth and it was my duty to breed a woman to preserve the species, sorry mankind, the groundhogs would conquer the planet. As for my brothers, well, if my interpretation of the fairy tale is correct, the fairy is not that efficient as mom promised, ‘coz being a man is supposed to mean much more than what I see they acting like. We’re still young and maybe the fairy touch will still work on us.

In the Peanuts comic strip, and even the cartoon, a recurring motif was that Lucy invites Charlie Brown to come and kick the ball with her, but she always pulls it away at the last moment. I never understood why he keeps going back and once my mother answered me: men are fools and women will always play tricks to try to take men out of the right path. The boys who can’t deal with girls’ issues are fools or faggets. The best answer a mom could give to her almost-ten-years-old boy, right? God, I think I became a nice guy despite my mom and dad. My mother taught me girls were mean and to be a successful man should learn how to avoid their despicable behavior.

Last week my parents were really disappointed with me because I didn’t helped them choosing an air conditioner for their bedroom. I was really tired and pissed off with some projects at work and had no time by then to think about this not so urgent issue. Mom said my father didn’t sleep one night overthinking how ungrateful I was. God, they think I’m still a kid, they tell me to do something and I’m supposed to throw everything up and focus on their demand. First of all I hate parents who works like that, even kids have their needs and priorities, I’m a 31-year-old-almost grown up man, they shouldn’t expect me to be available whenever they call me. I used to feel bad about myself every time something like this happened, when I realized it’s just my parents being spoiled. Now I know how to deal with spoiled parents, and I’m not sorry anymore.

In high school one of the girls I used to hang out with kept telling, “real men don’t hurt a girls feeling. Real men work hard and do everything possible to make their family happy, don’t matter how”.  The fairy hadn’t come yet and I was in despair, I couldn’t turn myself into what girls wanted me to at a drop of a hat. The way I was moving slowly and timidly I would never be a man and I was already 17yo. At high school I was considered a loser, I had no gang to hang around, I used to have lunch away from most people, until the senior year when I met my best friends who saved me from myself.  When I found people like me I felt relieved. I didn’t have to spend more energy trying to be someone else because there were people as weird as me and they seemed to be happy their own way. And I’m not talking about gay community.

Medical school, I was already strong enough to not let bullies affect me. My self-esteem was not shiny, just a pale yellow, but I went through medical school without a lot of damage. I knew that if I wasn’t a man still, soon I’d become one. During this time I met the love of my life, spent years and years by his side and them I finally learned the most important lesson one can ever learn in life: the greatest thing we’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in return. I think this is to be a man; to love and be loved in return. Ok, this I took from Moulin Rouge, but I mean every word. It’s powerful, simple, but evolves so many levels of commitment and surrender… God, I want to fall in love, desperately and deeply.

I made a lot of mistakes and I assume I wasn’t man enough when I was dating. Took me time to realize how dumb I was, but now there’s not point in placing the blame. What’s done is done and as Homer Simpson thought me last night it’s not worthy to cry over the split milk. But, it doesn’t mean I didn’t take a great lesson from everything I lived. If I could turn back time I can’t even say how happy I would be. Why don’t use it forward, in future, the days to come? Of course I will, but I am not the same, I lost the opportunities, I let important people pass by me. Now I just hope new opportunities will come and pray that those who once I loved have a great life despite of the damage I may have caused them. Amen.

At this particular time of my life love had challenged me to keep calm and breath. A lot happened this weekend and I’m still dizzy, unsure of what path to take, preserving myself or jumping into a journey where I’ll have no guaranties. First I thought a small time apart
would clear up the doubts that are abounding, but then I came with this disturbing idea that time apart wouldn’t help much if before it we couldn’t settle what are our intentions and what are our motivations to make things work. A new born relationship doesn’t always come to life as we plan, but it doesn’t mean it’s not worthy putting some energy to warm it and keep it breathing.

At this particular time love encouraged me to wait, at this particular moment it helped me to be patient. This particular month I need time to marinate in what “us” mean; in fact I need time to marinate if “us” does exist. I think it’s a man attitude, isn’t it? Maybe it’s a dumb man’s attitude, but as long as I don’t loste myself in this meantime, I thing it’s worthy. If he needs more time spent alone, with no distraction, feel he needs to fly
 solo and high to define what he wants, I’ll be okay. After all, I know it’s huge the chance of me not being the answer for his prayers. I’ll have to deal with that and my show will go on.

If you’re still reading this you don’t need to call my shrink, I already did that and I have an appointment next week, maybe he’ll prescribe me more drugs, maybe he’ll try to convince me I’m deadly wrong, but I don’t think the problem is the situation I’m living now, but how I’ll deal with it. This only time will tell us. I have no master plan, let the fortune work on me. Sigmund Freud, analyze this!

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