Trying to be the master of myself over here

Belo Horizonte, September 11th, 2012

Why does almost everything seem to me like its own parody? Why must I think that almost all, no, all the methods and conventions of art today are good for parody only? – Thomas Mann

The first patient I saw this afternoon walked into the room and without even saying “Good afternoon, you charming doctor!’ she threw her beg over my table and told me “I hope this time I get a doctor who can prevent me from getting pregnant again, ‘coz the last three time I took the medicine you guys prescribed me but got pregnant either way”. I followed her speech and jus asked her “did you used the medicine the way it was supposed to be?” Guess what was her answer? A 20-years-old-unpolite girl, her youngest son is cute as hell, but she doesn’t seem to be able to take care nor even of herself.

It’s really easy to drop you problems over the other’s lap and expect them to get solved. Patients do that all the time and few months ago I used to suffer with that, now I just tell them that I’m not God and even Him doesn’t have much control of their lives. The other day a patient with a pain on her elbow told me that I was supposed to make the pain go away for good and that she wouldn’t stop carrying 50kg cement bags! Well, I almost laughed at her, I already scheduled an evaluation with the orthopedics for her, took x-rays, prescribed many different drugs, but she doesn’t follow my orientations. A 40-years-old-pain-killers addicted woman that believes just because I’m the doctor on call I’m supposed to fulfill all her needs and magically make her elbow brand new again.

We all need something to change in our lives, all the time, we all need improvements, and we all need some of our pain to go away. But sometimes to make it fade and disappear we’re supposed to spend some energy on it, and even make it more painful first, before it starts to heal.  Each person will deal with this a certain way, here at the clinic our patients face our limits on dealing with their issues all the time, some of them get angry, scream to the employees, say bad names, diminishes the skills of the professionals. Few other realize they’re supposed to make some movements on the way of getting a new improved life. Outside work I see people doing the same things, escaping from the fact that most time their lives are miserable (!) only because of their acts, of lack of them.

I’m done blaming other for my failures. I don’t go that way many years ago. It took me by surprise when I got this skill, whenever something went wrong in my life I looked for something or someone to blame. When I put myself in the center of my own life I felt much more able to diagnose what’s going wrong, why and them try to work on it to solve it or just forget it and let it be. Of course it’s not like this all the time. Sometimes it’s still easier to blame the system! The thing is, sometimes I get really pissed with people who plays victim all the time. We all need some attention and affection and sometimes it’s nice to fall apart and let other work on your rebuilding, but it cannot be a routine! Sorry for those strong words, not directed to anyone in special, I’m just digesting the subject.

Right now I’d really love to have someone to solve my marital status. I feel good by myself but at the same time I think I could really use the company of someone pleasant. I have the energy and time to invest in a relationship. I have the need for it, but I’m not in despair. So, could anyone explain it to the others? Tell them I’m available but not needy? That I care but I need to be taken care of? That I will fall in love but it will fade away if the feeling is not fed properly? Could you? Still have a lot of work to do on my social skills. Soon I’ll be almost self-sufficient. LOL

What a pity. A patient just arrived. Hope he comes with something I can help him with. Hope I will come back to this subject later, I need to understand why I’m writing about it so constantly.

I propose a toast to life. Imperfect as it is, it’s still a miracle, something so amazing that words will never be enough to explain. Let’s love our lives and try to get the best of it, every moment, and the moments we can’t, don’t fuck off. Wait, it will get better! LOL. I’m not okay today.

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