In bed last night, for the first time in months, I tried to remember my former boyfriend mobile number and could not. There had been a time when his entry in my address book had extra “a”s to make it easier to find in my phone. And times when I would dial his number out of habit when I had been intending to order pizza. I didn’t realize I had forgotten his number until I tried and failed to recall it. It was eerie to think that somebody could be so much a part of my life – occupy so much of my time and thoughts, inhabit even my dreams – for a time, and then, some time afterwards, be almost wholly absent.
Kundera wrote that, for a love to be unforgettable, fortuities must immediately start fluttering down to it “like birds to Francis of Assissi’s shoulders”. What’s being acknowledged here is that a love is a chance occurrence, something that depends upon a myriad of variables and can be thwarted by something as insignificant as a poorly-considered joke. It’s no surprise then, that along the pathway of my life are strewn false hopes and unrealized dreams. A ‘love’ can spring into being as fluidly as co-dancing to Benny Goodman’s ‘Sing Sing Sing’. Sustaining such a love, on the other hand, against what Shakespeare calls, “reckoning Time, whose million’d accidents / Creep in ‘twixt vows, and change decrees of kings” is a feat indeed. Gosh, Shakespeare makes my head spin.
I am living my most asexual period of life, it begun few months ago and I fell kind of pressured by my closets friends. It’s great not worrying about sex and using my energy to other stuff, as reading, watching True Blood and studying cardiology. Sex used to be a kind of obsession few years ago, then it became a pleasure and now it’s kind of a goal, which I’ll reach when I find someone that really revives that spark inside of me. I guess I found the one, just waiting for the right moment for things to happen. And if it takes two, three months, I don’t really care, as long as we’re connected somehow. I am pretty sure he needs sometime to deal with his issues, though I’m not aware of them I know they exist and if it’s important for him I’ll be at his side, waiting, patiently.
And for those who keep asking me for my marital status, yes, I am single, but I’m not available. I have this commitment, we don’t call ourselves boyfriend and boyfriend yet, maybe we’ll never be (hope we do) , but as long as I consider the possibility, I am out of the market. I’m in love, I am, if I wasn’t I wouldn’t dream about him every night over and over, and wish I get a new SMS or Whatsapp message every two hours. I even catch myself wondering if he will ever come to visit me at my parent’s home and if he’ll fell awkward, as my parents are very welcoming and he seems to be kind of shy sometimes. Will he help me to choose my apartment when I get to leave my parents home again? Will we ever raise a kid? God, I said I wouldn’t write about love again until the end of the year, and It’s not about love, but my expectancies, my priorities, my wishes.
Hope I can soon dial his number without accessing the address book. Hope soon I’ll not be ashamed of showing my friends that I have his picture as my screensaver. Hope soon he’ll learn that I am very disorganized but I am honest, clean and I have a great heart. Hope he see the worst on me and still want to be by my side. Hope he doesn’t read this.
I hope I’ll know is number by heart. Or better, I hope I’ll don’t need to know he’s number ‘coz whenever I try to reach him he reaches me first. Love don’t cost a thing, and dreaming neither. I’ll count on me, my qualities and also on luck. I usually don’t believe on luck, chance or that even God interferes on these matters, love matters, I mean. Yes, God, luck, it will all interfere this time. Hope on my favor 🙂 And if it doesn’t happen, hope I survive.
PS: I tried to recall my ex because it was an important date for us, the day we lost our baby, Apolo. Sad day 😦