Weltschmerz

You know when I said I knew little about love? That wasn’t true. I know a lot about love. I’ve seen it, centuries and centuries of it, and it was the only thing that made watching your world bearable. All those wars. Pain, lies, hate… It made me want to turn away and never look down again. But when I see the way that mankind loves… You could search to the furthest reaches of the universe and never find anything more beautiful. So yes, I know that love is unconditional. But I also know that it can be unpredictable, unexpected, uncontrollable, unbearable and strangely easy to mistake for loathing, and… What I’m trying to say, Tristan is… I think I love you. Is this love, Tristan? I never imagined I’d know it for myself. My heart… It feels like my chest can barely contain it. Like it’s trying to escape because it doesn’t belong to me any more. It belongs to you. And if you wanted it, I’d wish for nothing in exchange – no gifts. No goods. No demonstrations of devotion. Nothing but knowing you loved me too. Just your heart, in exchange for mine. –  Yvaine, the fallen star – Stardust, 2007.

Ok, I am afraid about what people can think about me when they read all this stuff about love. I am not naive, I don’t think of love as some kind of medicine to my misery. And I don’t want to suffocate someone with love. I just want someone to call mine, to share my things, to travel every now and then, a new destination every May, and other one in November.

I personally want so badly to believe in love; no matter what happens to me I always look back and say that love is still there. People these days want things to come easily, when they don’t work out in love they say it’s a fairytale, it doesn’t exist, it doesn’t work. Truth is, love doesn’t fall into your lap, you have to fight for it, it exists, it isn’t a fairytale, it works, but only if you embrace it.

I was talking to an old friend about love and falling in love, trying to explain why I’m actually controlling myself not letting me get blinded by the rush of hormones released on my bloodstream whenever I look to this certain person. I’m falling in love and that’s a fact, but would it help if I try to slow it down? Is it even possible? I’ll fall in love whenever it’s given me a chance. Better this way, to take the risk and see what happens.

This friend told me that to fall in love is exactly losing control of my feelings, letting it feel my heart and then deal with the consequences.

I do believe in love, it won’t be my salvation, but will get me closer.

Is it too much to ask for? I know I had this once, I know it exists, but somehow it died, won’t I have any other opportunity? Am I cursed? Hope this guy has come to rescue me, my prince charming :- ) No pressure at all.

God, I do sound like a teenage girl. I won’t write about love again for a century, I promise.

Let’s love, guys.

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