Razzle dazzle me.

After all the rain comes the sunshine, and not every love affair is supposed to last, at least it’s been my routine, and instead of sitting and crying I decided facing the world and dig for some fresh new experiences. As Arya Stark once taught me, I’ll just be “swift as a deer, quiet as a shadow, quick as a snake, calm as still water”. This is a war and my only weapon is my stillness. Love, I just loved once, all the other attempts were just flings, infatuations; sorry to say that, guys, but let’s face the true, love don’t grow up on trees and it takes more than three weeks to a “I love you” sentence be meaningful, at least it’s the way I feel it.

After the end of my eight-years relationship I heard the sentence twice and instead of seeing fireworks them hit me like bombs. I am shy; it takes me some time to say things, even when I’m one hundred percent sure about my feelings.  And I believe it’s wise to wait for the right moment to say some stuff, prepare the ground, and feel to which way the wind is blowing. An “I love you,” said out of the right context can be more frightful then an “I’m a Nazi”.

Some of my friends don’t even believe I’ll ever love again ‘coz I’m still “very damaged”. I am not damaged, damn them! After my thirtieth birthday I can see things much clearer than before, I am not that love-impaired Fabio anymore. “You’re, Ok, Fabio, I know, but guys out there just want to have fun and you know it”. “The kind of love you want, Fabio, a guy can’t give it to you, you’ll have to become straight and date a girl!” I am single and I do want to have fun, but why is it so hard do deal fun and commitment? I’m a guy and I’m into having a nice long-term relationship, there must be someone like me out there, I can’t be alone on this journey. I can be fun and serious, I am a 31-years-old man but my soul is still seventeen and my knees feel like a twenties ones.  If the world is this cruel, if I am this alone, please, razzle dazzle* me!

Some guys told me I’m not available to a new relationship recently, but the thing is, I wasn’t interested on them! I knew great people, heard great stories, had great sex, I laughed, cried with them, but at the end of the day I wasn’t feeling like they could be the ones. I don’t want to sound mean, I care about each of them but it just wasn’t supposed to be. Once this guy asked me how I could be sure it wasn’t meant to. Hard question, I could give him no better answer than this one “I don’t see the fireworks”.

Razzle dazzle me. Please, God, mystic powers, Zeus, Ha or Mister Bazzo, make me believe I can live haply ever after again. Just believing would be enough, ‘coz in fact no one needs to be haply ever after, just most of time. If it’s really impossible to have what I had once, make me believe it’s possible so I don’t just quit trying and become one more cynical in the crowd.

I’m getting to know this person and it feels great. Hope we get along, we still have a long way to go before calling what we have a relationship, we don’t have a label yet, don’t know certainly what I mean for him, but I like what’s going on. One foot in front of the other, we’re going very slow, getting fascinated by each other day by day. Well, at least I am. Gosh. Should I write about these things? I guess. At least my shrink told me I should.

Father’s day and my dad is glowing, he prepared some barbecue and the whole family is here. He loves being spoiled and today it’s his day. I’ll give him some attention and them I’ll have some party before the weekend dies. Wish you all a great father’s day.

* Razzle Dazzle


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