Nota

Every little kid knows

Every little kid knows the words to the song. The foot bones connected to the leg bone. The leg bones connected to the knee bone. In med school, you learn it’s a little more complicated than that. The songs not wrong. Everything is connected.

The human body is made up of systems that keep it alive. The one that keeps you breathing, the one that keeps you standing, the one that makes you hungry, and the one that makes you happy. They’re all connected, take a piece out and everything else falls apart. And it’s only when our support systems look like they might fail us that you realize how much we depended on them all along.

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Watching Grey’s Anatomy for the whole weekend is not a good idea at all and I must keep that in mind. Few of my favorite characters are passing through rough time and those who are not, those who once represented my ex and I; they are so happy that make me jealous. This series first year was coincidentally my relationship’s first year and we kind of followed the characters dramas and lived some of them in real life. When we broke up I stopped watching it, but few months ago I downloaded the new episodes and I believe it was a bad idea ‘coz it makes me feel bad watching it by myself for two reasons.

First, it was our thing. We watched other series together, but this one meant something for me, he made me like it, he convinced me that this one was worth watching… And second, this series is a big crying drama, when I finish an episode I cry and I don’t have anyone to call and cry with me over the phone. There is this widow who just joined a “grief group” to learn how to deal with her lost and a couple passing through a separation because one of them cheated on the other, and I see myself in both situations. I lost Apolo and my boyfriend long ago and I think I am over it, but deep down it still hurts some way I’ll never understand. Apolo is dead and my ex is not. I lost both, in different ways, and I’ll never get them back, that’s a fact.

Don’t know what’s going on with me, I came up with some decisions few days ago but I’m not getting to put them in action, don’t have the strength to lead me into happiness again. Sometimes it seems I lost two important things and I haven’t replaced any yet. For sometime I tried to use my job to fulfill some space, but it will never work ‘coz job will never be a pleasure for me. Studies, sports are not important enough to make me feel alive.

I need to find love again, self-love, first of all. This is my support system, without it I can keep trying to block the sun from burning my plans but it will never work. Maybe I should just stop spending all my energy on finding a boyfriend and use it to find myself instead. After all I cant’ be lost forever. Or can I?

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