I got a feeling that I spent most of my life waiting for someone to come to save me, rescue me from my misery. When I was a kid I used to believe that my parents would get a divorce and my mom would marry a super cool guy that would take us in a great trip around the world and after that we would pick the best place to live and build a candy store. I have theses memories very clear in my mind. I felt bad for my dad that time, but I used to believe that he did not like us at all, me, my mom and my brothers, so I thought that it would be a relief for him to get rid of us.
I grew up believing that Brazil was not a nice place to live, that people here were corrupted, lazy, dumb. And as I considered myself none of it, I believed that my future were somewhere else, maybe in USA or France. I felt as if my staying here were something like a prolife, a training program. How could I be happy living in a country that had nothing fantastic to offer me? I got stuck with that third world country bullshit they used to teach us at school and closed my eyes to all the great potential my country and my people could have. I think it’s understandable for a kid to expect not to live in the third world if there is a first and a second one, in theory available for everyone and full of fun and colors.
I spent most of my childhood living in a poor neighborhood, not miserable, we always had great food, cars, toys, but the government forgot the place. Streets had no pavement; schools were really far from home and it took like forever to go downtown by bus. All my mother’s sisters and brothers lived close by, had dead end jobs, most of them had left studies in mid school. My grandfather was a rude men, used to beat my aunts, he were drunk most of the time. He was kind with children, used to tell his grandsons stories about giants, monsters, demons and angels and he always bought us candies. My grandma is the sweetest thing. She is also my godmother, so she has a special relationship with me since I was a little piece of meat; she always took good care of me.
From this time my desire of learning foreign languages started to grow, but I was young and by then my parents did not believe that learning another language would be helpful. So, only in mid school I started learning some French, and in High School English and German. I’m still learning English, no time to French and German, but I’d love to be fluent at least in these languages. God, how I used to hate the fact that my country were colonized by the Portuguese, I used to curse Portugal, wish I could change the past and let the English or the French arrive here first. Nowadays I feel great being able to speak Portuguese, nice language, hard to learn, poetical.
Brazil is far form being the best place to live, but it’s not the worst. People are hardworking, full of hope and we are learning how to fight for our rights. We are even kind, I’ve been in other countries and people can be really impolite with strangers. Our democracy is stable, woman participates of the government, and poor people have their interest taken into account. We have a long way to go but I realize we are different, but not necessarily worse than any other country.
I still want to live overseas, but now it would be an experience, not a scape. I am living a hard moment right here right now. I just lost my friend Apolo; I am single, unhappy with my job. Feels like the perfect moment to choose to leave, see the world and it’s people. But I am stuck here, once again waiting for someone to rescue me.
I’m aware I am the one who will change it, the only one who has the power to. I am gathering strength, experience, and hope soon I’ll have a clear path that will lead me were my dreams live. Even if it’s here, right in front of my nose and the trip will not be that long.
I miss my grandpa; he died few years ago, pneumonia complications. I miss my childhood, life was easier when I had the dreams and knew it would take long time for me to be able to fulfill them. Being adult, still having those dreams without strength and courage to go for them is really a piece of shit.
PS: I know my English suchs but soon it will be past. i just enrolled myself in an intensive English class in Chicago! Yeah!