Implode or explode?

I don’t remember being so stressed recently, don’t really know what happened but I feel like I could strangle someone now! Last days I have been working really hard, so many patients, my nurse is on vacations and my other coworkers are not very helpful. Lucky on me I have some med and nurse students helping me, if not I would definitely get mad and kick some asses. At the clinic it’s fundamental to know how to work as team but people misunderstood this principle. Most of the nurses believe that working in team is doing everything that the other asks without questioning. I hate this, I am a cool person and often I say “yes”, but people get mad with me when I say no, and it’s upsetting me a lot. Today a colleague told me I used to be a better person; in fact she meant I used to be a fool, doing everything the others asked me without complaining. I am changing; I am trying to prove myself someone strong, decided with my own opinion, qualities and limits.  And I’ll assure that everyone knows it.

Tonight I was supposed to have a meeting with my superior at the post graduation program I joined as a cooperator, but I am not going. Called her sick, I am not in the mood to discuss anything tonight, specially because I am not happy with the program development, the government have not sent us the support material, books, computers, a decent room as they promised and they are not allowing us to study the topics we want to for politic reasons. WE don’t have any structure to keep the program but the government keep asking for results, numbers. I tried hard to plan a visit with my students to a diabetes clinic, the best in the city and one of the top five in the country, but my superiors said no, because this clinic has different politic opinions then the actual mayor. Bullshit. I am not into politics and hate when it comes on my way just to make my life harder.  I had decided to leave the program, but I will not, not know, maybe I can convince them that education must keep going in despite of politics.

Wish I had a week off, I feel exhausted, I just came from a trip to a paradisiac beach but feel so so tired. Maybe I am just unhappy with my actual job and I’m fooling myself, avoiding the true. I am thinking hard about asking for transference, maybe a new place, a new environment, new patients; new problems will make me some good. I have great friends where I am actually, but most of them are so lazy, has no commitment with their jobs and with the patients. I hate it so so hard, they think only the physician is responsible for the patients, so I am working twice as I should.

I am in a really bad mood, who kept reading may have realized it. Got home and slept until 8pm, no gym, no Pilates, no meal. I am starving! Where are my dogs? I will take them and go walking outside. Maybe some fresh air will make me some good.

Explode – The Cardigans

Ease your trouble
we’ll pay them double
not to look at you for a while
And you rely on
what you get high on
and you last just as long as it serves you

Explode or implode
explode or implode
we will take care of it
yes, we will carry you

‘cause you’re deserted
what’s good, you hurt it
and it kills you it keeps you alive
so give it up
in a world of puppets
It’s a shame what they do to us all
can we do anything for you now ?


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